


failure

by jesuisdeux



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Darth Vader Redemption, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, It may be or may not be an AU, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, Legends, Not Romance, Thinking, Young Obi-Wan Kenobi, because sidious is a slaver and he sees that, he is just more cleverer than canon in here, i don't justify him, in vader's memories, that's it that's the story, very sad in a way, which are - Freeform, wholesome in a way, wow thinking? new for vader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:42:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28033353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesuisdeux/pseuds/jesuisdeux
Summary: Emperor leaves Vader on the very planet he failed to accomplish the mission, saying "Sit here and meditate about your failure.""Yes, master." Vader says, and something aches in him. It didn't hurt him when he called Obi-wan by the same title. It didn't feel like the mastership of human. It was more of an act of respect. But it was sincere. It was about knowledge and kindness.Not anymore.Vader can't help but remember the first time Obi-wan ever taught him how to meditate. And how Obi-wan was so eager to find a word other than 'master'.Can't help but ponder what he should do next.
Relationships: Darth Sidious & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Sheev Palpatine & Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	failure

**Author's Note:**

> in legends, when anakin calls obi-wan master, feelings ensue for a moment(legend and life of obi-wan kenobi). i wanted to expand it. and then i heard how palpatine decided to punish vader (in a comic). and then i mixed the ideas. and then... some other things happened too.
> 
> dicussion of slavery, thinking over the word 'master', minor character deaths (they are off screen and canon in the comic), destruction of animal and plants (vader's tantrum, my addition), description of blood. 
> 
> when I say that way it looks dark but actually it is not. memories are pretty sweet actually. and the ending is somewhat hopeful nevertheless violent.

"Sit there and meditate about your failure."

It was new.

He was standing on that disgusting planet. It was definitely new. Sidious was never like that to him before. But also, his master has never asked him to meditate before. But considering his failure, how that Jedi scum fooled him, how stupid he was to fall to the trap- He could have done more, much more to him, not just one wound on the chest, no, he could have destroyed that man, he didn’t even care about the factory in the end, he felt the rage and the burning feeling inside him-

“Yes, _master_.” he said. And he hated. He didn’t know what was the target of his hatred precisely, but it didn’t matter.

A long time ago, he could have felt guilty. For his feelings. For his once-called-wrong feelings. He could have tried to release them. He could have really meditated and try to identify what had made him so angry.

But he wasn’t a Jedi.

So, he decided to do the most accomplishable thing.

Mass slaughter, clearly.

He chopped everything around him. Every plant, with their fragile lives and even the exotic little animals with their silent pleas, all gone by his hands. His crimson saber danced around everything in his sight because- well, it was easy. And Anakin, no, Vader, wasn’t the man of hardships. Nothing in his life had to be thorny. So, yes, when his saber finally decided to yield slowly, his environment was screaming. All gone. But still nothing compared to what he had done to people around the galaxy. He had done worse. What he did there today- eliminating some rebels, killing that padawan and his master, now destroying those animals- it was _nothing_. Nothing but dust particle.

He wasn't a Jedi anymore. He didn't try to calm himself down. He didn't feel the guilt he long ago felt- when he killed the sand people. Or Dooku. _Weird_. Maybe guilt was also a feeling he used to channel it to the dark side. Now it was gone and Vader was empty. Except for his hatred. For the Jedi. He should have done more to that filthy man. How he dared to survive Order 66, how he dared to rebel against their grace, after everything they have done, for them, for their own good, like Obi-wan, so arrogant to see what they accomplished with his master- oh, yes, his new master.

Well, Sidious was getting impatient. He disliked his obsession.

Vader had always thought Sidious would understand him. He hated the Jedi and nothing filled his emptiness more than the flame their lifeless bodies flickered inside him. He thought Sidious would understand! He was listening, once. He was listening. _Before._ Before everything went crazy. Nothing like Obi-wan. That disgusting old man. Obi-wan never listened because he was deaf and blind. Order had left him sightless and hard of hearing, clearly. He was so ignorant and he never listened. One would imagine Sidious not to be primitive, but he turned out to be just like Obi-wan.

So, _no_. There was no listener. After destroying the environment, with all the dust and smoke and maybe screams, Vader wasn't sure, there were always there so it wasn't possible to tell, he was alone. There was no listener. Only listener he ever had, just told him to meditate.

Not on calming himself, obviously. Not on "letting go". He wasn’t a Jedi either. And it was new too- the one he called master has always been a Jedi.

But this one… This one told him to meditate on his failure.

Once again, a new thing. He didn't fail his master before, did he?

He most certainly failed his former one, but... That was different. Necessary. It depended on point of view. The final blow to his master, wasn’t it? But it didn’t count- because he saved the galaxy! And he wasn’t his master anymore. That failure… was… different.

And before that final failure?

Oh, there were _lots of_ them. But standing there, Vader remembered only one.

His first failure. Guilt. First time ever. That kind of a guilt, at least. Guilt of doing something so stupidly wrong while being the new one, being the other one-

Obi-wan has never called him those. He didn't say it was "failure" either. It certainly didn't help Anakin with those feelings though.

"Well," Obi-wan had said then, Vader was still remembering it, "what you did was really wrong."

Punching the bully in the face? Of course. Obi-wan's morals didn't surprised Vader anymore. He was deeply flawed in everything, all because of the Order. He wished he could fix that. Obi-wan could be useful. He was clever, in some ways, and he was a good fighter. He was a good force user, he was strong with it, not much as Vader himself but he was… _good. At what?_ Vader expected him to agree with him, actually. At first. On Mustafar. He was a good frie- soldier. Soldier. He himself didn’t even like the word, he considered himself to be the warrior of words, but Vader -Anakin back then- saw him on battlefield. He was dangerous than he thought.

"But I do understand you.” Impossible. “And I think I have the perfect solution for you. It was about time to introduce you to it anyway!"

Anakin, crawled on the couch, didn't even want to hear it. Whatever the stupid idea his Master was about to give him, he simply didn't want it. He was ten years old. He was old for the teachings. He wasn't a Jedi and he was never going to be. He was late to everything. Everything. He was late to classes, every morning. He was late to friendships. And when he thought he did the right thing, it turned out to be wrong. Punching people was wrong. Even when they were being cruel to others.

"You don't understand." Obi-wan wouldn't. He was the perfect Jedi. By all meanings.

"Oh, I most certainly do. Really. And my solution is: Meditation!"

Meditation wasn't going to help. Anakin knew it. He had seen people do it in his limited time on the Temple. And it definitely wasn't for him. He was going to fail so terribly. Nevertheless, Obi-wan looked too happy for the situation. Anakin wanted him to be angry. It would have been easier. He did something wrong, didn't he? Then why was he being so kind and affectionate?

"Come here, please, I want to show you somewhere special.” But no response came. “Of course, if you want to stay here and frown all day-"

"Fine." Anakin grunted.

And he was introduced to the Room of Thousand Fountains.

They sat down together. Obi-wan talked about something boring and breathing and posture and mindset and Anakin was so sure- yes, he wasn't going to be able to. And sitting there, trying to do something he didn't even know existed days before, well, now it was clearly a punishment. _So Obi-wan was angry._

"I don't see how sitting and waiting can help." he said, and immediately regret it. His tongue did help to get him in trouble before. It tended to do that. What would be Obi-wan's reaction? After tolerating him so much through days?

His _master_ chuckled. And Anakin despised that word with every molecule of his body. But the chuckle was good. Probably.

"Yes, it most definitely wouldn't help us." he said calmly. "Fortunately, we don't do that. We are-" he trailed of, trying to find the right words. "Hmmm, how should I explain this to you?"

His gaze lingered around the room.

"Did you ever watch a sunset?"

Anakin lifted an eyebrow. Of course, he did, and his sunset was way too special, the only good thing about Tatooine. Twin suns. And so, he flaunted that. Obi-wan chuckled again when he was talking.

"And you know that feeling? Like, it is inside of you- the suns shining inside of you- and you know every secret of the Galaxy?"

It wasn't how Anakin would describe it. Still, it was fairly close to what Anakin thought. Obi-wan probably never had the chance to see a sunset on Tatooine, but he knew how it felt. And how to describe it properly. It was weird. Anakin was impressed. So everywhere in the Galaxy, someone was looking at a sunset, _a different one, not his sunset,_ and was feeling the same things. There were so many sunsets. And so many people. Thinking about that was weird. It was nearly giving him a headache. But Anakin got the horrible idea that everything was deeply connected and after a second, it wasn't even horrible. It felt like something settled in him.

Vader, very far away and ahead of this moment, sat down in a torn planet. He was going to meditate.

"Or have you ever stargazed? Or looked at a running water or rough sea?"

Obi-wan was a hopeless optimist if he was going to ask Anakin about water of all people.

"I did stargaze but I have never seen water." he said. _I was a slave on a desert planet,_ he didn’t say. Something close to pain flashed in Obi-wan's face. Then, determination followed.

"I will show you the seas of Doltremis and the flows of the Nouvaddon." he promised. He smiled then. “And before that I will teach you to swim so I won’t drown my first ever padawan.”

So, he was planning to keep Anakin with him for a long time. Anakin’s eyes widened with the idea. It was, surprising, after what happened-

"But yes, you got the idea. Pretend you are watching something like that, but behind your eyelids. And the feeling of wholeness with universe, well, that's the Force."

And Obi-wan started to talk about the Force. Yes. Yes, this was so familiar, it felt like someone had to told those things to him, one way or another and if they didn’t, Anakin would definitely feel the lack of something and he would search for it. This information, it was important. He knew it. He didn’t know about the force sensitive children across Galaxy suffering from the lack of something they didn’t know existed. He waited ten years, _ten years, for Force’s sake_ , and it was worth every second of it. Sitting beside Obi-wan and listening him felt like where he was meant to be.

But it didn’t mean it was easy. Anakin didn’t really reach the full trance state. Not in weeks, anyway. When he finally did that, he already had spent days, trying desperately.

But Obi-wan was there. Always. Days after days. “It is not unexpected, you just learned the concept of the Force, we don’t expect children to take lightsabers and run around fully capable in two days.” he said, calmly and with the endless patience of him.

And to Anakin’s frustration, smiling, he added, “but the thing is, with this kind of a perspicacity and speed, I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.”

It caught Anakin off-guard. Being clever wasn’t something he often received praises for. Most of the times, it seemed like trouble.

When he was beaming, Obi-wan stroked a beard that didn’t existed yet. “One more thing. Important. All I want from you is this. You must promise me.”

Anakin stiffened with worry for a second.

“Be consistent. Promise me you will train with me every day with the same eagerness, please?”

Now it was something Anakin would definitely do. Something he would _love to_. It wasn’t even that tiring, at least physically. Things he accomplished in daily basis on Tatooine were harder and harsher. On the other hand, what they were doing now was simply _beautiful_. Learning was _much_ better than carrying hardware around and brushing gears.

“Yes,” he said, showing all of his teeth with joy, but then there was a word that didn’t want to escape those same teeth. The word refused to escape his mouth, it just looked so ugly for the situation, so foul, so wrong. Why would he vitiate such beautiful moment with such word? The word lingered in his mouth more, because when he leaved the desert he gave himself a promise, didn’t he? _Not again._ But it was there, right behind of his mouth. _It wanted to go out._

And, clearly agreeing with the word, the silence became unbearable it finally ripped the word out.

“Yes, _master_.” he said. “I promise.”

The resentment didn’t go unnoticed. _Maybe Kenobi wasn’t that blind, Vader thought somewhere far away in time and space. Or no, it wasn’t far away in time and space. It was far away in mind and feelings._

And then Kenobi’s face grimaced and lips tightened with something Anakin feared. Then it was gone. Anakin realized that the brief moment of anger wasn’t oriented at him. No, not at all. Because in seconds his face filled with something different and something so sad, unfortunately only word that ten-year-old Anakin could think of was “father”.

“I am very sorry,” the owner of that face said. “It is so rude of me not thinking of such thing before. I can’t even imagine… how it must’ve felt, _the pain_ , I am sorry.” Then a sigh. A shake of head.

But then, hope.

“But a Jedi doesn’t yield easily!” a gallant announcement. “I am sure I’ve read about the words padawans have used through history.” He looked at Anakin to find the same hope in his eyes. “Guide. Mentor. I am not sure. Pundit, maybe? All very beautiful words. What about tampering the Archives to find something different?”

And so, they did. Anakin was mostly amazed with the thoughtfulness. Vader, in somewhere in the Galaxy, felt a heart ache. _Weird_. He didn’t think he still had one.

They’ve found out about things of the Order’s old times. Jedi did indeed exist for a long time and they had changed so much throughout. And in the end, Anakin was half-sure that their Archives adventure was also an excuse to give Anakin more homework from history.

“I am completely enthusiastic about finding a new word, Anakin.” Obi-wan said. “Never doubt that.”

This demand meant a conflict. It wasn’t good. Anakin imagined Council being angry about such a new word. How dare did play with ancient customs like that-

“But also, it would be wrong if I didn’t make it clear.” Obi-wan was speaking softly to him, but still, Anakin’s face fell.

“You will hear the word ‘master’ around you a lot. And you used it to call me before.” nearly regret in his voice. “But it doesn’t mean the master of ‘humans’, you know? It simply means the master of “knowledge” at its boldest meaning, nothing more. The Order means no harm. When we use that word, it is sincerity. Just a guide, in the end, not even the tyranny of knowledge, because no one can do that. Not to knowledge, especially not to people. No domination. And _you_ of all people know this too well.” Despite making a wry face at the word ‘domination’, he smiled at Anakin. “People just don’t easily accept bullies.”

Anakin flushed a bit, because no, he never did so. He decided to just say no and leave the planet. He generally decided to punch them. He generally _denied_. Deny was good. He rebelled.

_Was rebel good too? But he just killed a bunch of them._

Vader lost his peace and stood up with a vindication. With grudge.

As Obi-wan was going to tell him later, Obi-wan once chose that way too. Once upon a time, he also punched people and even was being sent to AgriCorps for it. But then he learned how to punch them with more of his wit and less of his fist. And then he taught this to Anakin. And then he threw it all away because he was so attached to his ideology and to his little council and the republic and democracy and he was cutting his legs and-

And then, Anakin, no, Vader was here. In that planet once again. And it was ironic. His master was attached to so many things. He loved Satine, after all.

But he wouldn’t kill the younglings for her. The image of Obi-wan doing such thing was unsummonable. And of course, Satine wouldn’t want such thing.

Realization. A very late one.

Padmé had never wanted such thing too.

_Younglings._

In the same halls of the Temple, when he was that young himself, in the end, he called Obi-wan ‘master’. Obi-wan flinched, but then smiled. And then he talked about, well, practically gave a lecture about the importance of feelings and if he felt bothered Obi-wan would never want Anakin to force himself.

But to his surprise, it never bothered Anakin.

He didn’t feel the same heart smash he always felt to that day with the same word. When he said that word, his mind seethed with the images of books and Obi-wan giving him advice and the weird peace of the Temple and lectures and a bond. Not the ferrous smell of blood nor salty taste of tears. It was indeed another kind of mastership.

Vader paced back and forth.

Another realization. Perfect timing.

He finally became aware of the familiar feeling that blurted out from his chest whenever he said ‘master’. Finally, he realized, whom his hatred was actually directed at. _Hatred_. Not the Jedi way. Not the Sith way. _Like master, like padawan._

Perfect timing, because a ship was landing on the ruthless surface of the planet. One that belonged to Emperor’s grace himself. One that belonged to his _ma-_

Vader ignited his saber.

Anakin took a breath, in labour.

And a step further.

**Author's Note:**

> some other things meaning, vader finally realizing he was a slave. now is it an au? let's say te galaxy lived happy ever after.
> 
> but morally, i wouldn't like palpatine to be killed. it's vader's actions, not my thoughts. i like laws and believe justice in the court and... i also like immanuel kant.
> 
> i am not a native speaker so... yell at me, give me advice and show me my mistakes. "kriffing" english grammar am i right
> 
> thank you so much, it means too much to me the idea of someone reading something i wrote!


End file.
